The last month to go ...

I have never been so eager for an year to end than this one. Does New Year really brings new hopes, joy, resolutions, and new beginnings. I wish it does! Or, let's at least believe that. I am at my last leg in San Francisco, and truly I am convinced that after visiting and staying a considerable time is many places - this city is the best in the world. I was in Las Vegas and LA over Thanksgiving, visited the Grand Canyon, which I thought was a nothing but a big hole in the ground. There are some who look at such stuff and keep wondering how nature created something like this. They see mounds of rocks jutting out as temples or the smiling Buddha. Reminds me of the Woody Allen joke - (paraphrasing) "Someone pukes in the Carnegie Hall and others look at it and find art in it." Anyway, anything static, unchanging in human years timeframe is just as good as looking at a picture. I love things that change. A moving river, changes in people's costumes, etc. etc. I really hope this year ends. I think I have had my share of upsets - failed relationships, Adcom rejecting my application after iinterviews, and so on ... But the most important part of this year, was I really felt the gift of true friends - people who have selflessly taken my venom and anger, shared my pain, and directed me in a way that kept me from disintegrating. I have come to know interesting people and visited many new places. Each of these places, will have a sweet sad story to say. I may be visiting these places again, hopefully in a happier setup - but it will never be the same. I will breathe the air that will string in the memories of this year - making me a bit forlorn. I hope that will allow me to cherish and enjoy the day that is still to come. What goes down has to go up. And maybe 2007 will be the year to go up. At least there is no harm in hoping ...

The joy of Physics

Lately, I have resurrected my high school interest in physics by reading Feynman’s lectures in Physics. It was back in my high school days that I used to marvel at my friends collection of those prized 3 volumes that I could not afford. Today, I own them. And I adore them. In those days, marveling physics was one thing, but Feynman himself was a personality extraordinaire. His model was something to admire and impossible to expereince. Almost akin to being a fan of a movie star. While traversing through several units of space and time, since then - I have come closer to the genius in my own right - meeting people who knew him by his first name. During challenger investigation, his thrust was to keep away from blaming the management and culture – the easiest segment to blame when you are too lame to come up with a scientific explanation. By the way management and culture was the root cause found for Columbia’s disaster that led to the faulty foam design. Feynman once pointed out (I am not 100% sure), the failure rate would be 1 in 50 for space flights – way below what NASA thinks now. Based on the track record, he was not wrong. Just that we are too scared to think that way.

I believe there is something innate in us that disallows us from accepting the intrinsic possibilities that may cause us pain. As an engineer, who frequently gets involved in mission critical systems, I find dealing with proabilities of failures and success on a daily basis. Yet as a human being how little we are tuned to accepting "chance" and "uncertainty" as real components of reality. As an anonymous quote goes, "Maturity is the ability of enduring uncertainty." It seems all our value systems, our push for inventing new things, believe in religion and God - all seem to geared towards creating certainty. Even Einstein nodded his head with the probabilistic treatment of quantum physics - saying "God does not play dice" to determine the motions. Consulting a psychic or praying for a better future all seem to be ways to peek into the future. I sometimes wonder, if I had kept noting or had a dime for everything that I expected and what really turned out - and I be brutally honest - the gap will be quite enormous and I would saved a fortune. May be God does play dice. May be there is no such thing as certainty. And no one really cares, beyond we mortals. It is all about estimating the chance of survival and happiness. How about doing minor rephrasing of statements like - "If you study, you will get a job, and you will be happy." to "If you study, there is higher CHANCE you will get a job, and there is higher CHANCE you will be happy." Well someone else may propose "If you are happy, CHANCES are you will get a job, and CHANCES are you will study." But whether the "being" drives the "action" or the "action" drives the "being" is a separate philosophical question. For now, it's the joy of physics - the innate notion that everything can be explained through its laws.

The significance of being insignificant

I was in a Barnes and Noble browzing. In the magazines section, I found them showcasing Esquire magazine - styleguide for men. Sifting through the pages, I feel a kick inside my stomach saying, "This is the benchmark. Do something." And this sudden urge creeps in that how I can increase my net worth and get inside Forbes richest men issue - year 2025. I understand relying on my job in "just over broke" in billionaire terms. What are other ways of earning? Stock market is Las Vegas for me without the girls - just another slippery slope that I don't understand. So what's there for me. Education myself more? But does that guarantee anything? And so this is how my day goes. Night falls. My living room turns into a paradise - Horowitz playing the Motzart piano concertos and a glass of rum, reading the NY times, an empty plate where the remants of lamb curry and bread ... and a dim lamp. Life seems to be complete. Call it complacency or satisfaction, call it resignation or contentment - is like beauty - lying in the eyes of the beholder. For now, a day goes by and a night. May be I will get back to wealth creation models, but for now the Hyde loves to forget Dr. Jekyl in me.

Suiciders don't need the law

Yesterday while driving to work, I heard an interview on the BBC that some dude in UK has started an international campaign to introduce a law that will incriminate individuals who may have caused someone else to drive into committing suicide. I do feel sorry for this guy who is in rage after her sister committed suicide because her husband would give her a hard time. I do feel bad for him and is most unfortunate that someone had to take her life. But pass a law to incriminate someone?

Wake up dude, this is 21st century. If your sister could walk out of this world and could not walk out of her marriage then that’s no excuse. Too bad! People will commit suicides, the common reason being that the pain of life itself exceeds the pain of death. In most cases, these people are pushed beyond any form of conventional sanity. I say that because under sane conditions people want to live. Whether it is through the explanations of the physical universe, economic theory, or theology – at least on this ground there is a commonality. Medicine strives to increase life expectancy and so does the monk who is chanting in his tree house. So much so, religion even talks about everlasting life in another world knowing fully well say as you may death is inevitable in this life. So, well - construct another world and who cares if I add the extra bonus whether I get a thousand virgins to do lap dancing. Said in another way that’s what we all want – life, enjoy, and gratify our senses. You and I are looking for a life to live – this world or anything else. But those who commit suicides have gone beyond all these rational, normal, and sane understanding of our universe. And if someone is drawn to this ultimate act, how and more importantly, why do we hold another responsible. No one buys an argument that any situation can be such that suicide was the only option.

Many may argue that it may be so. An unmarried girl getting pregnant in a north Indian village may take her life thinking that she wont be able to carry on with her social stigma. In this case, whom do you punish – the boy who disowned her or the society. Since the society does not have a phone number nor an address, you punish the boy. But is this fair? Were not both of them partners in the same act (assuming everything was consensual).

This guy’s claim and efforts are bogus. Suicide like abortion is a fundamental right as a human being. We do not have any control over our birth, we have limited control over our life – the way it goes, but death – we have complete control. Not that every one of us are taking our lives, but the fact that I can helps me tide over life’s many sorrows, despair, and agony. And when in those dark corners of my thoughts, the thought that I can take my life creeps up like the Phoenix rising from the ashes, it is indeed redeeming. I then finally manage to say, “No, not yet. I can go few more of this pain.” Death will come anyway. As in Bergman’s Seventh Seal, the protagonist says, “…I am playing chess with death.” Yes, we all are playing chess with death. If someone wants to resign and walk away, let her do so. We all will be check mated anyway. It’s just a matter of when. So dude, get on with your own life, and channelize your anger and grief to something more meaningful. You and I will follow your sister soon, so why does it matter if she did it by herself.

Pamuk wins the Nobel

I am so happy today. I woke up and read Ohran Pamuk won the Nobel. For one, it is amusing because unlike other Pamuk's admirers, I am rather a late entrant to this group. But more importantly, I can at least console myself that I was lucky to fall in love with his writing before the recognition arrived.

It's been a while since I posted last. With activities galore keeping me occupied, I had all these millions of ideas racing in my mind without actually penning them down. But no more waiting. I am simply so happy. Happy to the extent of almost falling over my cerebral cliff when another voice comes and interrupts and asks, "Why are you so happy about? Do recognitions really matter? Pamuk himself said it doesn't earlier this year in an interview." Well, truth be told. It does. We are all humans and being humans we are in our inner self like children always hungry for acknowledgement. Now, you may ask if he gets the Nobel why am I happy. I am happy because in some ways a Nobel to him validates me. It validates my sense and spirit of appreciation, it recognizes the fact that what I have so fondly loved is also loved by a recognized institute. I feel being a part of a larger whole.

So much for that but what has made him so special. My first encounter with his work has been Snow and admittedly, I have not read much of his other stuff apart from his interviews, reviews in New Yorker, and so forth.

"Snow" touched me deeply. His protrait of Ka - a rather solemn, solitary poet living in a rather politically charged small towm. How he falls in love with Ipek, a divorcee, and how his typical male idiosyncracies destroys the trust that Ipek gradually began to develop. The human dynamics especially the underpinings in a man's behavior and his inherant incapacity to understand the progression of a woman's sentiments is simply amazing. It touched me to my bones. The apparent confusion that seems to baffle so many men (as I have known from my own life to those of my friends) is inspite of "doing everything" - somehow you cannot win a woman's heart. Not completely. And this where Pamuk so intricately weaves these emotions from different perspectives - almost running the subtle changes in human heart in slow motion. Beat by beat.

Quite ironically, it has baffled me and remained a mystery why so many women fall for men who are prone to trouble, or running their risk of their lives - activists who may be jailed, or criminals who may die. More personally, I have felt on numerous ocassions why linear, non-trouble makers, boy next door hunts perpetually for true love. In Snow, through Ipek's love for Blue, inspite of Blue's radical and potential life threatening circumstances. Ipek says how his compassion for people was genuine and how dedicated his love was that he braved all the risks to visit her. I guess these things matter for the heart. Again subtle remarks like - ..(paraphrasing) "men are given to verbal abuse do so to show their lover how much they love them." Well, only to find out later that woman's love has completely dried out.

Snow will remain as one of my most touching novels. In those long nights laying in my studio looking over the SF skyline - between the large open space, my little voice, and the world that Pamuk was able to weave gave me a "second life". Absolutely moving and solemn experience!

Puja Time

I just returned from the Puja Weekend. It took 6 seasons to finally make it to a Durga Puja in US. Now, I can say - "I have made it." It was fun. And it was really special and divine. It was the presence of ... and I leave it at that.

Some rumblings

In today's op-ed in the Times, David Brooks writes about Louann Brizendine’s book, “The Female Brain.” I have not read the book yet. But it is quite coincidental how lately I have run into conversations with people, I have encountered exactly the point he makes. That people by and large are trying their level best to honor ancient stereotypes and appreciate gender differences. Now, one group drinks the religious juice and sermonizes what Jesus said. And another group looks into science and combinations of chemicals and hormones to prove that women are nurturing and caring and what men are, and by its very design they are meant to be behave differently. My take is this social change is a part of a process. People have simple gotten sick and tired of the mavericks starting from Freud to the hippies of the 60s who propounded new ways of living - either by altering your own thinking or by altering your environment. I don't care much what the instrinsic truth or validity of such studies. What matters is whether it works or not. The philosophy and pschychology that gave rise to feminism and other weird ideas have not provided happines and have failed. So let's try something different. And a generation later we may find something else.

Cab ride and a schism

Few months back I wrote about a cab ride which educated me about Ghana. Two days back I was back inside a cab on my way to Dulles. Looking at the cabbie, I almost felt a momentary deja vu. But before my hopes of another possibility of a sweet ride to some African country could take shape, my ears heard, "I am from Calacinas." Once he saw my face distrught and puzzled he immediately clarified,"North Carolina. That's what I call it" And then he began. What followed was a tirade - thoughts that I read in papers but rarely hear on a one to one conversation. For the simple reason - that I don't hang around such minds at work or for pleasure. This, I thought, is the beauty of a cab ride. I get to get captive company of people I usually not encounter.

I was quiet and spoke just enough to get him to keep talking. He loved to hear himself talk. And I loved it too. Rare enough, but there comes a time when a man gets a clear ground where he can speak out with all his heart. At times, even with all his throat and lungs, when enthusiasm translates to intensity, and intensity shows up in a constant spray of saliva - wetting your surroundings. I did not mind. Yes, that's where I took him to. After all how often do you get a black man speak out his mind - devoid of political correctness, bereft of concerns about what his black brothers are going to think. Sure enough, this only comes in an encounter with a perfect stranger.

I wish I could write everything he said. Besides being inappropriate, I dont think it makes any point. But I wish to mark out few of the interesting things he spoke. I was most interested in the words he was using. For example, he thought eradication of slavery is an illusion. "We were all in chains for many years. Lincoln unchained us . True, but he knew that we were like the bird who after living inside the cage for long has forgotten to fly." The same thing has happened to the black people. They stayed back where they were used to. "The minds of black people are ignorant and are in chains. They have lost the gift of imagination, of thinking through things, they are servile." Chains as a physical object it has become a mental abstraction which is by far more dangerous for the entire black community. What he spoke about reminded me of a debate I participated in many years back on whether Indian independence is still an illusion. An event that is marked on red ink on calendars, but it our minds we as Indians are still servile and forgotten to fly.

Religion, he says, "is a diversion that keeps people away from reality." People are mostly foolish, and especially blacks have sort of plays second fiddle to the whites who seem to have got the church and the religious machinery all in their control. He passed on some interesting anecdotes. "Black people like bwon ball games, white the white. I disagree, but I have learned through life that in some cases disagreemts are best kept to one's ownself. In this case, Tiger Woods is an living exception. And as far baseball, it was true until few years back. Now, baseball is dominated by hispanics.

The most interesting comment was about how he thought colored people had dominating genes. In other words, his thory was blacks will dominate the world and whites are scared about that. He cited that an offspring of a mixed couple tends to look more black than white. Talk to any medico. That's not true. Anyway, people have their own thoughts and opinions. Life encompasses everything, and I feel at the end of the day nothing matters. The significance of opinions with which people fight is all a function of time. Think about the next two minutes, I may be freaking out because my internet is running slow, think about a year, I am concerned whether I will make in to my next career move. Think about 20 years - retirement, and then, another 100 years - I am dead and gone. Who cares whether the black dominates of the Indians. Someone recently characterized - the world is divided into two groups: one who divide the world into two groups and the others who don't. As long as I live, I wish I can overcome the challenges imposed by shortness of timescale and think an a part of a whole. As I got off from the cab ride, for another flight to the west - I felt I enjoyed the ride. After all for me, he was another human being, working hard to make a living for himself and his family, and yes like anybody else he has his view of the world. And it is this diversity that makes life a joyful expereince to live by.

In Village

I was off to New York last weekend. Every time I visit this city, it is as if I discover a new part of me. For one I realize that there is something common about big cities. New York, Paris, and Calcutta. In some sense they are similar in their own ways - like they belong to the one and exclusive metro club, the people's equivalent the billionaire club. Just like it does not matter which nationality you belong to. If you are billionaire you are more likely to do some common things - own your own jet, own a villa in French riveria, and probably shop at Asprey. Same goes with cities. A city like New York albeit located in US is more similar to Paris, and more importantly, the place I grew up - Calcutta. The fact that it is in America pales into a background. Compare New York with Indianapolis and also with Paris and you will understand what I mean.

Yesterday, I was up in the East Village - strolled along the sidewalks gazing at those artists and peddlers. I always love to hang out in this area. I love it better than Midtown. Not so many touristy but rather much of local artisty is present. Here I can treat myself to beautiful art and browze through DVDs of Goddard. Stop by Strand Book Store which by far is my all time favorite. An Italian lunch in Little Italy, and then stroll back to Union square to watch a group 100 people chanting "On Namah Shivayam" at a "Art of Living" session. While this is going on a black man walks around - shouting and yelling his frustrations - "The Indians are taking over, and I dont get to talk about my Christ." No matter how thin you slice it there will always be two sides. This is what I remembered

I have been taking it slow these days. I leave for san Francisco day after tomorrow. As I keep playing corners with Washington DC and San Francisco during weekdays and New York during weekends, I feel I am lucky. I feel I am having some of the best days in my life.

Power of first impressions

I recentlly read Malcolm Gladwell's Blink. It is a book that explores the power of first impressions: how they are formed, how they influence us, when they are really useful, when they are not, and more specifically, when and how they can get catastrophic. I was simply glued to this book for the last three days - as he insightfully probes into deeply interesting yet mysterious issues like dating, identifying good quality art , and even mind reading. Blink is about the power of the "first two seconds" as he says. The book is fascinating with examples drawn from NYPD to Tennis reflexes, from speed dating to Tom Hank's audition, from distinguishing coke from Pepsi to food tasting. Gladwell's style is lucid, fluid, simple, yet his work is richly researched - all that makes reading a true joy. I am a big fan of his writing in The New Yorker but somehow with a "blink" of an eye I have resisted reading his earlier book "The Tipping Point". Now, letting go of my unconscious, and allowing my conscious to decide - it has entered my fall reading list. Blink was a wonderful read. Serious with an undercurrent of humor, and no doubt very interesting.

Live from NY

Beerfest in Times Square
Walking down in Central Park
And never looking back
Dinner at Utsav
And much more...
As my holiday in NY is about complete

Windy in NYC

Past midnight now, I am lying here in Mama's apartment in NYC. The Hudson is 30 feet from my window and the wind is almost blowing me away. Driving through Manhattan was really cool tonight. A very calm and quiet friday morning. At times I get superstitious in saying stuff like that, as if something else may happen tomorrow. But well, whatever...events keep happening.

I had lovely day - nothing much to do or say. A nice friday night - watched Talagadamadagada Nights (Pardon me for not getting the name right). And then a nice dinner. I am in no mood for deep thinking and finding a purpose behind anything today. I guess today was actually living my purpose - that is - enjoy and be grateful for having a beautiful day. That I have been good and that I feel fulfilled.

Break Rules - An alternate view

Last Thursday's Wall Street Journal reported a story on how Koreans are facing new challenegs - including marital problems because the country has gone from a six-day work week to a five-day work week. Yes, I said it right. Six to five. This has resulted in men spending more time at home. In other words, women are finding it difficult to cope up with their intrusion into their private space - home. This is really interesting. On one side, we here in this country are trying to find ways to convert management buzzwords like "work-life balance" into reality, on the other side of the globe, it is a complete different scenario. In some sense, it sets me to think is modern life - men at home, women at work, Suze Orman your personal finanance guru, and Dr. Phil your relationship coach - really messes up the natural balance. And then we have to go to Harvard to learn about "work-life balance" or hire a consultant to learn not to carry my blackberry and laptop during my vacation. Or, an easier solution, maybe a better one too - go back to what your grandparents did - Daddy at work and Mom does the house. Lower family tensions, fewer broken marriages, less money spent on counsellors and stress relievers, no day cares, no "Mommy-did-not-hug-me" self esteem issues. Live will be good.

How about breaking the rules. Do not allow the woman to work. I think rules have an importance in life. Rules provide clarity and clarity provides a clear direction. While a quesioning attidue has become a moral virtue nowdays, questioning each and every rule is inviting confusion and subjectivity into our lives. ow about asking - Why is going backwards considered bad? Why is there so much political correctness attached to it that I cannot ask this question? Why not break them? Politically correct statement - "men-women equality" sounds good, but unfortunately does not work. Not in Korea, not anywhere. For example, the traditional role of a man is to provide for his family. While you may question that, show me how many women, however well-placed even today are willing to reverse that, and are willing to marry a non-working man. By the same token, while you may question beauty is skin-deep, show me how many men will marry an ugly and perennially sick woman.

Men marry health and beauty, women marry security and good prospects. Women respond to male good looks, but it’s not the most important item as much it is for men. Women after all are genetically tuned to seek men who have the capability and willingness to raise children. Good health and resistance to infection, while good to have in a husband, are not a woman's number one priority. Men, on the other hand, look for fitness in women to bear children. Qualities like attachment, loyalty, and kindness are more important to women. Men worry less about these qualities. However, people say, there is one important exception — one circumstance under which women are attracted to physical and men-beauty oriented in their choosing their men. That’s when they’re cheating. "Marry the lord and screw the gardener" That's a common strategy many women employ and are quite successful.

I would argue that if a woman is more secured financially, and less dependent on the male partner the tendency to cheating goes up (proven fact instinctively all humans love variety). Then, we see more of these women becoming enamored by male-beauty. And women, especially educated ones, throw modernity and counter-culture sound-bytes to cloud, clutter, and question exisiting norms and justify and are fairly successful in reversing certain natural human processes. Hidden beneath their veneer , nothing but raw beasty urges to explore their innate human desires that were pent up and not allowed to venture openly into in our societies for many years. As if they are on a vendetta for all their grandmas have missed out on. And then qualities like attachment, loyalty, and kindness begin to be important for men.

I say what's the point. No need in messing up the real natural balance. Why can't we make things simple. There are two options. Either follow the moral rules, or completely drop them. Be married and raise children. If you enjoy screwing the gardener, just don't get caught by your husband. Or, if you want to be financially independent, forget marriage, santification, and holy cow. You live in a dog eat dog world. Like other animal species, let's compete for our mates. And we are ready to drop one when we are in sight of a better bargain - so be it. Stop listening to Dr. Phil's mystical balonies on connection and relationship hooplas. There is a lot more clarity, not necessarily ease, in living that way. After all who said life was ever easy - ask even your grandma.

A special note to women of my breed - who feel that their husbands should do the dishes, make the meals, and water the plants. Who feel that because they have done the hard work of working, they need to be rewarded by their husbands as opposed to being responsible. When will they realize that asking for a reward is not same as asking for a responsible husband. Stop thinking by saying a stupid thing over and over in your head thinking it will become the truth. Vomit out that overdoze of Oprah juice that you drank with a diet of Linda Goodmans when you were a confused teenager - "I am what I say myself, I believe and so I am...because I am a Gemini." You become one of those doctors who with little knowledge try to experiment with everything, not sure of anything. You end up cutting up the patient, and then realize that you dont know how to stitch the guts. That's how you end up running your lives. Decide not what your peanut brain tells you what is good for you. Decide what is good for you and more importantly those around you. Maybe, you need to take a lesson or two from your Korean sisters. But for that, you need to realize that you have a peanut brain. I dont know how to show you that.

Disclaimer: Views expressed in this post does not necessarily reflect what I believe in

Why I struggle to take a decision?

How many times I have walked into a Baskin Robbins and stood there - wondering which flavor to get. I can afford to buy a scoop of all the five flavors I am considering and then create a five-decker monster. Yes, I can! But will I ever do that in my rigth mind. That's a sure ticket to the ER and I won't bother to look at a BR for a year. No, I am not that stupid. So I keep agonizing and finally take a decision. Soon after the first scoop, I start wonde ring, if chocolate mint chip was what I really should have ordered. Oh! this saga keeps happening over and over again.

Raised in India, with limited means, I never had so many Baskin-Robbins-type problems as here in US. And finally, I have realized that my personality is not wholly "integrated". I suffer from ambivalence, ambiguity - call it what you may.

I tell you - I am really interested in the way out.

So what does it take to take a decision and stick to it? Steadfastness, being headstrong, pig-headed, what? Talk to any leader - he will say this is a virtue. I agree, life is not only horrible, but miserable if you switch on and off between chocolate and vanilla. Whatever, this may be characterized as - I have found some interesting insights by delving into the process called decision making. And here I will share some of them.

Recalling Mr. Carl Jung, for once I have looked inwards - in my search for self-awareness, as oppossed to looking outwards (dont want to be a dreamer!). I found that I take decisions from four different places:

1. Commitment - Things that I am committed too - my interests, hobbies, etc. These decisions are powerful decisions and when I take then I dont have a shade of doubt in my mind. I am crystal clear. As a result, they are strong decisions and cannot be dislodged.

2. Fear - Decisions that have been reactions to certain fear - mostly conditional fears that over the years seem innate and automatic. In my case, fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear that I will not be able to accomplish my dreams, fear that this is last day last show - and if I dont take the boat, I will be a loser. When faced with these fears, I end up taking decisions that are mere reactions and quite naturally, they come back and bite me so badly. (I am being selfish in covering my self here - of course, I hurt others - may be more). These are the weakest and most troublesome decisions. My quest now is to distinguish if a certain decision I am taking is driven by my fear of something or coming from someplace else.

3. Inspiriation - Some decisions are purely inspirational, like my decision to write this blog now, all of a sudden I feel like cooking gourmet meal, or doing some exercise. They are mometary and do not last a whole long. But they are positive.

4. Worked into it - These are decisions I take that I sort of work my self into believeing - "hey, this is the best I could do." Admittedly, this is how most of the decisions I have taken in life, especially, growing up with limited opportunities. Beware, I am not citing this as an excuse, but just to illustrate my point. In fall 2001, when I took my job offer, I was not excited at all, nor did I entirely liked the profile, but still I told myself - "this is the best I could get." This became such a large part of my life that I forgot that there were other decisions in my life that I was taking and working myself into believeing. Gone was the whole notion of taking decisions based on commitment to give myself the best and be inspired by what I am ultimately gifting myself.

No wonder, I ended up marrying a B minus grade woman, thinking this is okay. Where the hell did I drift away? I know. It's harsh and bitter. And here it comes -

I was running my life with a fear - fear of loneliness, fear that I am losing out on life...etc. And settled for mediocrity and told myself - "this is good enough". I forgot that mediocrity was my biggest enemy ever since I formed myself as a human being. But for the last 15 years, it had had the better of me and I have been a Rip-van-winkle dreaming, slumbering, and deluging in esoteric philosophy, spitting my venom on everybody, and mindless frutiless endless conversations. Hardly looking inside to face my fears, embracing them, and overcoming them with courage.

Yes, courage, as it is said (and I have mentioned in my previous posts) "decision" is about killing all choices to settle for one. That required will-power, clarity, and certain amount of ruthlessness that comes only from a commitment to give yourself the very best! To remember - "Good enough" is the enemy of "better"

Woman

There is nothing more beautiful than seeing you cry
Yet few women cry these days
Why do so many women want to be like men
And stop crying
Don't they realize men go out of bounds because of their undying love
To hurt you to see you beautiful
And not because they dont love you
Why do think that you are the victim
A tragedy queen?
You will never know that I loved you
Because all you see is that I crossed the boundary line.

Songs of different time

Songs are written at times to change the way people look at things forever; yet some songs seem to exist just to remind us that nothing has ever changed. That's what I feel when I listen a whole host of songs from the past. There are three bands that I lock my time pernially - Queen, Black Sabbath, and Bee Gees. There are few more like Alan Parsons Project, Pink Floyd, Led Zep, and Beetles but none so close as these three.

Queen is my all time favorite. I was Tears filled my eyes the day Freddie died. I knew that was it, albeit his song "The show must go on." Everything about him was unique -- his dress, his style, and of course his vocal chords. I remember that I first got hooked on to "I want to break free." Nothing spoke so poignantly during my adolescant years than yelling with the music right till the last verse "...but life goes on". I never got so hung up in the meanings of the lyrics. The title and few words were all that mattered. "I want it all and I want it now." with Freddie dressed in a tie -- wow, always cue in with those Wall Street types. There was something out there -- "we are the champions" became an anthem for my group of buddies. When we were really in our element - Overall the voice, the tempo, and the beat created a feel that only Queen could create. To say Freddie was irreplacable is stating the obvious.

Till date, Bohemian Raphsody still remains one of my all time favorities, one song that gives me a bit of everything. Again, I remember how many debates we used to have to figure what was this song about. Is it Freddie's repentance of giving someone the AIDS virus or was is a simple shoot out story.

Today, I don't care. Good music is all that matters.

Confusing intellectual stimualtion, happiness, and reality

"One's own mind is the most dangerous place to visit, especially in the night," -- someone told me many years back. Yet, time and again I love to take this delicious trip which I savour and enjoy, a trip whose journey I enjoy but actually end up mostly in misery, anxiety, and sleepless nights. And then, I take off to another trip -- the trip of justifications, reflections, and renewed perceptions -- why the result was so? And finally, conclude reality is harsh, sorrowful, and is not meant to be pleasant. Utter baloney!

The more well read we get, the more equipped we get with our justifications, the stronger our opinions become, and the more attracted we get to find some ruminations that have been scripted out in some dusty book sitting in some rack of the library. In search of the magic formula, we start reading that -- some of it makes sense, some of it is pure esoteric stuff -- and we struggle our brains to "understand" that. Hours go by, and then we "think" that we do. Aha! But have we really? We have just added a cute justification that perhaps at best substantiates a point that we want to make. Good enough to make an argument in a coffee table discussion, way short to use that in life and derive happiness.

No wonder we see people loaded with all kind of philisophy, tools of psychoanalysis, chasing some swami in India, and tons of self-help books -- yet still in search, still unhappy. If you are like me, probably, you may even love to play the con game call - "I am a happy person." If you challenge me I will reflect a bit and then unload my arsenal from my "mind" to justify what happiness is and why I am happy. In the process, I may show my frustrations, show of contempt -- cursing you with silent pride "Don't you know I have read everything about happiness from Aristotle to Dalai Lama. Don't give me a lecture on what happiness is."

Happiness is not about justifying what happiness is, nor is it about reading about happiness, and definitely not about telling about it. It is about a lived-expereince that others get when they are around you. That's the real test of happiness. I may convince myself that I am happy but if others are not then it is not real. Our own relections and our perceptions unless validated by others are not real. And that is why what I think in my own room -- or what I write here in this blog is not real unless it is agreed by others.

The next step in doing a reality check is which "group" is validating our lived-expereince, or for that matter our saga backed up by our reflections and ruminations. Looking it in a different way, we form groups, organizations, and communities to "create reality". We join or create groups that endorses our reflections and perceptions and expands our illusion about reality. Take any group -- the same applies. If I believe in the Bible, I join a church where my beliefs get reinforced and I consider it to be "The Truth". If I publish a paper in a journal or hang out with bunch of academicians who shower kudos on my opinions -- I get the expereince that my work is real. If I break up a relationship, I love to join a bunch of similar broken hearts -- bash the shit out of the other half -- I feel all my actions, opinions were real. To check whether what you are saying is real - try across all sections of people - across age groups, educated and uninitated, from Asians to Zulus, and then if all agree -- you know it can pass off being real.

We humans all live this way, nothing wrong about it. The key is to distinguish that our perceptions, reflections, and opinons mean nothing. We are not our opinions, thoughts, or feeling. These are just veneer over our "self". Life does not run with static versions of these. And willingly or unwillingly there comes instances in life where we have to give up or forced to give our opinions -- for our own good and survival. I always thought that "marriage is permanent" ... but had to give that up. I once thought "I was a very shy person." I gave that up on choice when I saw that the real me loved to be with people.

Yet it is a constant struggle to shut up my mind and just live with the flow -- with energy, vitality, fun, and joy. Living every moment right then! And when I do that -- viola! I can sign off on that day as -- yes I am a happy man.

Joi de vivre

What’s between love and life today? Longing, yearning, and excitement as the day for her return draws near.

Also, feeling playful –

What do I like about my life? My work, my friends, my books, my taste for good food, my kind-hearted parents, my bed, my shower, my education, my past, my travel experiences, my feelings, my thoughts, driving in interstate; that Einstein, Feynman, Almodovar, Bergman, Fellini, Piccasso, Spielberg, Monet, Kadinsky, Tagore, Ayn Rand, and many others came before me to this planet, that I am likable, …

What’s that, that makes me like my life now? That I am finding someone really special, Old town, DC, living in America, BART, Borders, B&N, Starbucks, my apartment, my home theater, Netflix, internet, cell-phone, car stereo, New York Times, 24 hours hot water, blogging, Chinese carry out, Whole foods next door, working with the who’s-who in America, …

It’s about the simple things that's running me – big time, and keeping me happy. And my life runs with simple things when I am enriched with some simple words - especially words of appreciation. Simple words give me life, energy, and vigor; they take away the swirl that I tend to create at times out of trauma, complaints, gossip, and exchanging notes whose problem is bigger - his or mine.

A simple “I love you” or “I do” puts me on steroids. When I say “I can” I feel I can get an elephant to dance. “You are hired” gives me the dream job. “I care” touches my soul. "I dream" can bring in a mass internal movement. “Thank you” can make breaking my back over a mountain worthwhile. "Sorry" has the power to make me forgive and forget any hurt that someone has caused. There is no dearth of these words … no scarcity - as long they are authentic, just like there is no scarcity for avenues to have fun, play, and joy in life.

Lofty philosophical thoughts can only provide insofar as I can unleash the power, joy, and the life of these small words. Else, logic and philosophy serves only for intellectual pretension; food for empty chatter giving us nothing in the end. And nothingness is a place closer to death; far away from life.

I love life, I love imagination, I love seeing the world with the joyous and playful eyes of a child.

Revisionist History

In the June 5^th issue of The New Yorker Adam Gopnik writes about current trend in revisionist history within the context of David Andress, new book on French revolution “The Terror: The Merciless War for Freedom in Revolutionary France”. Talking about recent revisionist works, he says,

“Revisionism in history knows no boundaries. Just in the past few years, we have been told that that comet may have glanced right off the dinosaurs, prodding a few toward flight and feathers; that the German blitzkrieg barely meandered across Europe; and that Genghis Khan was actually a sharing and caring and ecumenical leader, Bill Moyers with a mustache and colorful folk costume.”

During the bicentennial celebration of French revolution in 1989, which also marked the fall of the Berlin wall, several divergent views of the revolution were heard. And with the slicing and dicing, still in vogue, the words of former Chinese premier Zhou En Lai seem prophetic – that it is too soon to give an opinion on the French revolution.

While it is beyond argument that the revolution unleashed complex thoughts; it marked an emergence of rational consciousness, rise of individualism; divided left vs. right, etc. – what interests me is how historians can follow a thread or a personality, create a perspective, and then expand it to explain the entire event and how popular opinion changes with them – time to time. Take for example, general opinion on Marx and Hegel.

The revolution had undeniable influence on both of them. Popular belief is Marxian economics is synonymous with socialism – meaning state owned enterprise, lack of individual rights, centralized planning, anti-capitalism, and anti-liberty. Marx drew his ideas from the French revolution and that fed to the Bolsheviks. As the Soviets grew in stature, so did the glory of Marxism - influencing few generations across the globe. Tremendous progress in science and technology was thought to be Marx's gift until "the wall" came down, and all of a sudden atheist Marx was contemplated to be burning in hell.

When Soviets were exloring the cosmos, the rest of world was drawn into Keynesian economics which encouraged big government involvement as the answer to the woes of great depression. Free-market proponents like F.A Hayek were ignored. In fact, it seems, he even avoided debating Keynes. Milton Friedman was not well-received for a long time. Then after the Soviet collapse, and demise of Marxism, one after the other, Nobel prizes for 1990, 1991, 1992, and 1993 went to Univ. of Chicago in celebration of monetarist economics.

With this onslaught on Marx, the former Marxist social economists could not be quiet for long. They said – wait a minute – let’s examine what Marx really said. And as it turns out that Marx himself was not Marxist. It seems he actually indicated that capitalism will grow into a world order; globalize commerce by trade and exchange. Much to the chagrin of those who think he was anti-globalist, he predicted globalization. He wrote that the need for a constantly expanding market for its products chases the bourgeoisie over the whole surface of the globe and by rapid improvement of all instruments of productions and communications draws all men even the barbarian nations into civilization. While the fall of Berlin wall brought Fukuyama to write End of History, devoted Marxians argued that the end is yet to come when the true freedom will be realized through interdependence. There are many countries in the world that have not reached the point - India and China are showing dynamic capitalism and Africa is stilll under feudal and mafia lords .

Marx may be passe' in western world, but his ideals will live on. Sixteen years later, Fukuyama, on the other hand, revised or had to keep explaining what he really meant. This continued through his recent book – “America at the cross-roads”. After all, he was influenced by Kojève who proclaimed himself as “Marxist on the right” – a rather uncommon breed!

Fukuyama also did one more thing – he glorified Hegel. But Fukuyama's Hegel and Hegel’s Hegel were not exactly the same. Hegel, shaped by "globalization" of his Germany by French revolution, gave an idea, a world-view where superstitions disappear; cultures grow more homogeneous; life becomes increasingly rational. As progress happened, he viewed mankind to become more aware of history and use it to his own advantage to reach the end when self-consciousness will become common and universal property of mankind. This made Hegel materialistic, individualistic, and any left leaning person would think twice before coming close to his thoughts for a long time. But not anymore – on rethinking he is found to have stated that individual cannot realize consciousness unless he internalizes within collective setup of a community or civil society, exisitng under the aegis of the state. In sum, he is neither a small government proponent nor a laissez-faire economist.

Even though, we are currently living in a world where unmindful obstinacy and inflexibility, as shown by many of our current leaders, are construed as strengths; and changing minds even in wake of life-altering events as “flip-flopping”, revisionist history is important since big events in history will have diverse opinions. But as Gopnik says whether revisions or rethinkers turn something flat into something three-dimensional or just hangs it on the wall upside down is the real question.

As he says, history is not to give us time, distance, and a sense of proportion. Whether you say “Once upon a time…” or “In 1789…” it was a long time back for us anyway – what difference does it make? Or, half a million people died, how it matters anymore. History goes beyond Hegel's view of following the life and stories of a few, those who are in lead roles, like a Bollywood movie. History is not about treating people as numbers. Great historians as he says, give us -

“ … a renewed sense of sorrow and anger and pity for history’s victims—for some luckless middle-aged Frenchman standing in the cold gray, shivering as he watches the members of his family being tied up and having their heads cut off. Read Gibbon on the destruction of the Alexandria library by the Christians, or E. P. Thompson on the Luddites—not to mention Robert Conquest on the Gulag—and suddenly old murders matter again; the glory of the work of these historians is that the right of the dead to have their pain and suffering taken seriously is being honored. It is not for history to supply us with a sense of history. Life always supplies us with a sense of history. It is for history to supply us with a sense of life.”

Cab ride to Ghana

I love taking the taxi-cab in DC. Invariably, I’ll meet a driver who will be from Russia, Ukraine, Sudam, Ethiopia, Afghanistan, or any of their neighbors. Last time, my ride from home to Dulles was a treat in real sense. Little did I know that the person who was taking me to the airport would turn out to be a chief of his clan back in home country – Ghana. He explained that he was living in US for more than 25 years. His children grew up in US and from what it sounded – they were similar in tastes and attitude to most of second-generation migrants. Now that they have grown up, he spends six months each year in Ghana.

To me there is no better way to learn about history and culture than through a conversation – through stories and experiences – ideally from the common folk. Reading books, monographs, and records come a distant second. Stories give a flow, a process. For with the water, the river also needs to be clealry visible. Facts, dates, figures, or anything that translates life into series of disjointed snapshots makes it too dry, boring, and disconnected. I love to see myself in that story – move with tides of emotion, pain, joy, and dreams. This trip gave everything that I could ask possibly ask for.

So, I started asking him about cocoa, and he mentioned how big his farm was, how much he has to manage and look after not only for his own farm but for other members of his clan. He has to listen to all the grievances from people and address their problems and concerns. And problems range from crops not getting enough care to someone is having difficulty finding a boy for his daughter. It was interesting to find out that the marriages were still mostly traditional arranged marriages. But he was a bit concerned that young generation don’t wait for their parents to determine whether he or she has come of age to get married. It seems in earlier days; it was unthinkable for someone to do so. I asked him if people ran away to marry, to which, he almost screamed, “No, that’s a big offense.” Why? Because it is important to do a background check to make sure that both parties do not belong to the same sub-clan.

He belonged to the Ashanti clan. I heard about the Ashantis before, the biggest clan who put up a brave resistance back in nineteenth century to the British before they succumbed after four wars and Asantehene Agyeman Prempeh was arrested. After Ghana won independence, 1957, the first African country to obtain independence, like the colonial history of many other African nations, there was a series of coups, when finally John Kufor took over. He is in his second term.

He said the people were extremely pleased with Kufor. He sang high praises for him. He said he was Oxford educated but came from a farming background and has his focus right. He took over a country with a poor economy. In cocoa, Ghana was once world’s leading producer and had slipped to fourth place, but Kufor brought Ghana back to first place. And he did this with very sound credit policy. He did not give hard cash as loans but machinery, seeds, and other necessary stuff in kind – which made sense and avoided the chance of farmers blowing the money away on other things.

From hard politics, I asked him about food and how he had fun. Boy! Did his eyes lit up! Palm-wine it was. He was glowing and his voice was up by few decibels, all excited, and for a moment I wondered - he better doesn’t lose his concentration off the road. He said, “I have two palm trees that no one can touch.” Palm wine is an excellent, slightly sweet dessert Wine containing only about 4% of a natural fermented alcohol. The sap is collected by tapping the African palm tree. This is achieved by making an incision between the kernels and a gourd is tied around to collect the sap which is collected a day or two later. Along with goat meat smoked under a bamboo mesh, and with people playing on the bamboo flutes, and dancing – well that’s the making of his party. It was clear for most people in this part of Africa, palm wine was their favorite poison drink. Every country has its own – that runs the lifeblood and to mess with it will be rocking the very foundation of their existence – Russians and vodka, Germans and beer, French and wine, Scots and Scotch, and Japanese and Sake.

Notwithstanding his praise for current president, he still holds his allegiance to the Ashante king Otumfoi Osei, who seems to be running a parallel ceremonial government.

The airport terminal was drawing near. And as I expressed my desire to visit Ghana sometime – he said he had plans to visit India two months from now. And then plans to go back to Ghana for good. As a typical African, his allegiance was where his ancestors were. He said, “My great-grand father asked me to be a chief one day.” It seemed his spirit beckons him every day back to the sounds of flutes and smell of cocoa.

While I stepped out of the cab, paying my fare, and as he helped me with my bags one more time, I wondered what would it be like when I visit Ghana. I may come across a village where I would find a familiar face, dressed in traditional colorful robe of a chief, surrounded by other folks, sipping Palm-wine in his own royalty. Will I be able to fathom that he once drove a taxi-cab in Washington for 25 years? For now, I wished him well and goodbye, and thanked him for bringing Africa closer to me.