Why I struggle to take a decision?

How many times I have walked into a Baskin Robbins and stood there - wondering which flavor to get. I can afford to buy a scoop of all the five flavors I am considering and then create a five-decker monster. Yes, I can! But will I ever do that in my rigth mind. That's a sure ticket to the ER and I won't bother to look at a BR for a year. No, I am not that stupid. So I keep agonizing and finally take a decision. Soon after the first scoop, I start wonde ring, if chocolate mint chip was what I really should have ordered. Oh! this saga keeps happening over and over again.

Raised in India, with limited means, I never had so many Baskin-Robbins-type problems as here in US. And finally, I have realized that my personality is not wholly "integrated". I suffer from ambivalence, ambiguity - call it what you may.

I tell you - I am really interested in the way out.

So what does it take to take a decision and stick to it? Steadfastness, being headstrong, pig-headed, what? Talk to any leader - he will say this is a virtue. I agree, life is not only horrible, but miserable if you switch on and off between chocolate and vanilla. Whatever, this may be characterized as - I have found some interesting insights by delving into the process called decision making. And here I will share some of them.

Recalling Mr. Carl Jung, for once I have looked inwards - in my search for self-awareness, as oppossed to looking outwards (dont want to be a dreamer!). I found that I take decisions from four different places:

1. Commitment - Things that I am committed too - my interests, hobbies, etc. These decisions are powerful decisions and when I take then I dont have a shade of doubt in my mind. I am crystal clear. As a result, they are strong decisions and cannot be dislodged.

2. Fear - Decisions that have been reactions to certain fear - mostly conditional fears that over the years seem innate and automatic. In my case, fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear that I will not be able to accomplish my dreams, fear that this is last day last show - and if I dont take the boat, I will be a loser. When faced with these fears, I end up taking decisions that are mere reactions and quite naturally, they come back and bite me so badly. (I am being selfish in covering my self here - of course, I hurt others - may be more). These are the weakest and most troublesome decisions. My quest now is to distinguish if a certain decision I am taking is driven by my fear of something or coming from someplace else.

3. Inspiriation - Some decisions are purely inspirational, like my decision to write this blog now, all of a sudden I feel like cooking gourmet meal, or doing some exercise. They are mometary and do not last a whole long. But they are positive.

4. Worked into it - These are decisions I take that I sort of work my self into believeing - "hey, this is the best I could do." Admittedly, this is how most of the decisions I have taken in life, especially, growing up with limited opportunities. Beware, I am not citing this as an excuse, but just to illustrate my point. In fall 2001, when I took my job offer, I was not excited at all, nor did I entirely liked the profile, but still I told myself - "this is the best I could get." This became such a large part of my life that I forgot that there were other decisions in my life that I was taking and working myself into believeing. Gone was the whole notion of taking decisions based on commitment to give myself the best and be inspired by what I am ultimately gifting myself.

No wonder, I ended up marrying a B minus grade woman, thinking this is okay. Where the hell did I drift away? I know. It's harsh and bitter. And here it comes -

I was running my life with a fear - fear of loneliness, fear that I am losing out on life...etc. And settled for mediocrity and told myself - "this is good enough". I forgot that mediocrity was my biggest enemy ever since I formed myself as a human being. But for the last 15 years, it had had the better of me and I have been a Rip-van-winkle dreaming, slumbering, and deluging in esoteric philosophy, spitting my venom on everybody, and mindless frutiless endless conversations. Hardly looking inside to face my fears, embracing them, and overcoming them with courage.

Yes, courage, as it is said (and I have mentioned in my previous posts) "decision" is about killing all choices to settle for one. That required will-power, clarity, and certain amount of ruthlessness that comes only from a commitment to give yourself the very best! To remember - "Good enough" is the enemy of "better"