Single life

Does single life equate to freedom or does it equate to loneliness?

For a large part of my life, I had this extreme notion that "I don't need anybody." And I had fun and joy and felt all content. Then came that day. If only I had remembered what I had for breakfast... But anyway, I had this rather bizarre thought, at least, that's what my immediate reaction was - that I need someone to share my life with. And I told myself - it seems success in other areas of life seem meaningless without someone to share with. Someone to laugh with, go to dinners, enjoy movies, etc. And as my physical craving suddenly ramped up - the need to hug and kiss and be with someone escalated. I drove my parents to get me married. So lo behold - I tie the knot!

Fast forward three years. I am single again. And though not quite the same but in its own respect it is like born again. Now do I see myself going back to that "I don't need anybody." condition. Probably not!

While I still consider that I am much better off thinking true partnership starts when individuals are self-content and independent - I have come to terms with the fact that I do need someone else to share my life with? This is why.

My relationship (or lack of one) revealed two most profound insights for my ownself. First, why I really need somebody. Second, life becomes worse if you end up with the wrong one. I found out and could acknowledge that I have an intense longing. And yes, it's not just about having dinners together and crying in movies. While I love my career, my friends and family, my collection of books and CDs; I long for that love which is bigger than all of these. Something that in a way subsumes all my other love - the greatest of all. To find that love would be the greatest expression of who I am and fulfill my purpose each day and every day of my life. Someone I have not yet known or felt. One who still exists in an emotional capacity that drives my physcial energy to expereince every bit of my life and her's. Fuzzy? Well that's the best I can describe. No wonder this will never show up in my marriage profile. But I am confident that someone surely understand when she reads it - maybe someday. One who actually fills that gap.

So this is what I want. And this longing that has never been as profound as it is now - which makes me feel lonely. But to move out from a sure compromise to what I want for my life was definitely freedom! So while I screwed up my marriage, in the conventional sense - I am grateful that I could figure out my real purpose for companionship. As the Chinese proverb goes - I do, And I understand