Single life

Does single life equate to freedom or does it equate to loneliness?

For a large part of my life, I had this extreme notion that "I don't need anybody." And I had fun and joy and felt all content. Then came that day. If only I had remembered what I had for breakfast... But anyway, I had this rather bizarre thought, at least, that's what my immediate reaction was - that I need someone to share my life with. And I told myself - it seems success in other areas of life seem meaningless without someone to share with. Someone to laugh with, go to dinners, enjoy movies, etc. And as my physical craving suddenly ramped up - the need to hug and kiss and be with someone escalated. I drove my parents to get me married. So lo behold - I tie the knot!

Fast forward three years. I am single again. And though not quite the same but in its own respect it is like born again. Now do I see myself going back to that "I don't need anybody." condition. Probably not!

While I still consider that I am much better off thinking true partnership starts when individuals are self-content and independent - I have come to terms with the fact that I do need someone else to share my life with? This is why.

My relationship (or lack of one) revealed two most profound insights for my ownself. First, why I really need somebody. Second, life becomes worse if you end up with the wrong one. I found out and could acknowledge that I have an intense longing. And yes, it's not just about having dinners together and crying in movies. While I love my career, my friends and family, my collection of books and CDs; I long for that love which is bigger than all of these. Something that in a way subsumes all my other love - the greatest of all. To find that love would be the greatest expression of who I am and fulfill my purpose each day and every day of my life. Someone I have not yet known or felt. One who still exists in an emotional capacity that drives my physcial energy to expereince every bit of my life and her's. Fuzzy? Well that's the best I can describe. No wonder this will never show up in my marriage profile. But I am confident that someone surely understand when she reads it - maybe someday. One who actually fills that gap.

So this is what I want. And this longing that has never been as profound as it is now - which makes me feel lonely. But to move out from a sure compromise to what I want for my life was definitely freedom! So while I screwed up my marriage, in the conventional sense - I am grateful that I could figure out my real purpose for companionship. As the Chinese proverb goes - I do, And I understand

A cliche - not my own

"If you love something, set it free. If it comes backto you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. We donot possess anything in this world, least of all otherpeople. We only imagine that we do. Our friends, our lovers, our spouses, even our children are not ours;they belong only to themselves. Possessive and controlling friendships and relationships can be asharmful as neglect."


After I broke up my relationship, I heard this cliche from so many people that I finally decided to throw up - up here. Do I really believe this? Now, there may be someone who may not have any other choice but to let go and his heart burns like wild fire, he or she needs a real terse explanation to soothe those burning veins. If that's so - that's a totally different topic of conversation. But hell no! Not me! I dont believe this. At least my heart does not believe in let the bird fly away and it may return. So what do I believe? Sticking to the same pattern - I am more inclined to believing a bumper sticker that I saw once - ""If you love something, set it free. If it comes backto you, it's yours. If it doesn't, find it and bust it!" That's more of my kinda stuff. Yeah! But let's be real here - who really cares ?

Relationships and friendships etc. - things that we value so much in life are all so transient. A snapshot in time. So why is it so hard to let go of people? Let's change tracks a little bit and take a more morbid perspective. Every morning we hear so many accidents in the interstate. How many of those killed knew that they wont go back? Or, say how many of their relatives and loved ones knew that they are not going to come back? And for a period I too had to ask myself - why me? Do I deserve this? Why is life so uncertain? I believe all of us and all of our ex-es too feel the same way. May be someday I will figure this out. But that's not the right question to ask. The right question to ask and live with - given the shit that has happened to me how can I make the best out of the rest? I wish I never get an answer to this. Really. For as I have started to discover that the rest is bigger, richer and brighter than what I earlier thought. And this whole range of bright possibilities were eclipsed by something that I was latching onto so dearly.
Let's end with another cliche - now - "Life is about living with the right questions and not about the right answers." Yes, and when the day comes that I find these answers - I will know that my time is up.

jags dailies

I am in San Francisco. Great city, great place, great food... There is a certain charm about this place that drew me when I first came here on business - the first week of Feb. And just like anything else in life, seems to me that the best things are incomplete unless shared with the person you love most. Six weeks and a personal calamity later, I wonder is this true? Can a person be just happy by himself? Does loneliness kills? Or do we allow it to kill us. I have to believe its the latter. I had a certain conversation about lonely people - people who in my opinion were escaping from life itself - Commitments, responsiblity. But what is the foremost commitment. It is to my ownself. To love my ownself and satisfy my own needs. Being powerful in the face of uncertainty. And there is no clear way of finding the magic wand.