Rating Chemistry?

Yes, I am in search of a relationship. Every person I come in touch with, I simply cannot avoid the passing thought that she could be the one. I end up gazing, talking, and then - it happens one way or the other - either I give clear indications that - yes, I am interested in going to the next logical step - meeting somewhere or doing something that clearly indicates I am interested or I just go by. How I decide on what to do? What goes on in me? What are my ways of exclusion. Hmm... mind or heart? Rationality or feelings? What are my roots that stems my "meanings" or "interpretations". How she looks; is she attractive; is she dressed the way I like; is she pretentious? Is she hiding exactly something that is so obviously visible to me.

So what is this process of automatic screening? Is it what I characterize as chemistry? Or, attraction.

Maybe yes. But, here's probably the important part whhich bothers me. Yes, it bothers me. Screening people based on "chemistry" seems to be so natural and more so "valid" - isn't so? Look at the deluge of conversation that goes on about the importance of "chemistry" and "attraction" in a good solid relationship. So much so - no one will even question me (forget challenge me) I know if I say that I am not interested in this person anymore since I am not attracted to her. What does that mean usually for me? It means that I am not getting the warm fuzzy racy feeling the same way I get with some other person with whom I would love to go and talk, get her number, go out on date, and even contemplate having babies with.

Like it or not, I am being dictated by the way certain sensations are being generated by the presence of someone else. I am putting the burden on the other person to make me feel in a certain way. That's a scary thought. Not because it is wrong or anything, but because it seems I am not really in charge of things. I am relying on my environment to be the source of the feelings that are generated. Imagine - I like someone, and fast forward 3 years - I am in a steady relationship - will I still be searching or hoping for that racy feeling? Am I going to keep asking my mind - "Am I getting it?" And if the answer is "no", which by the way, happens when we "think" or logically deconstruct our feelings - what am I going to do? Blame the other person or simply resign in frustration - saying, "Our love life has become cold" - and pay a ton of money on self-help books or hire a life coach or attend workshops.

Now I ask - is this practical? Is it the only way we need to get attraction and factor attraction into our lives? Let's go on a tangent as ask - Am I attracted the same way to music, poetry, photography, architecture, books, sushi etc. These are things that I am passionate about and in a way can be argued as things I cannot live without. How much of Elliot's poetry did I like the first time. I don't even know when i read it the first time? How much of Monet's waterlilies or Cezzane's fruits I could appreciate when I first saw them. How much did I like listening La Donne Mobile the first time I heard it. Very little. Well, what am I saying here? There is whole world out there that I am passionate about and am attracted to that was completely acquired. Tastes acquired from practice. From doing more of the same. Acquired from others who I thought did knew more and showed me a different perspective. Things that I have loved and appreciated in organic continium - a process of discovery of the object as well as a part of me that I did not know that I could like certain things. It is like reading a William Blake poem in layers and keep going as much as I possibly can to the point of "all figured out". So - why cant the same apply for developing likeness for a person. Who knows - why not?

One thing I know is my mind (and most likely yours) gets swayed by what it continually and persistently hears. Right now, it hears and I am afraid it is "written in stone" that - unless I am getting the rockety oozy juicy feeling - miss - you are out of contention. And from the voices around me that's all legit. What if we are bombarded that each person may stink like sushi the first time - but as we keep discovering bit by bit - she may turn out to be the most wonderful experience I ever had. How about believing that - inspite of what others say about "attraction" and "chemistry" - it can be acquired. How about considering that just like our sense of taste develops the taste and starts liking the food we had never eaten or even hated the first time - we can begin cherishing the other person - develop our hearts run faster with each meeting. How about seriously convincing ourselves that - well, chemistry may be overrated - and love can exist, nurture, and grow - the more we get to know a person.