Against solitude

Two distinct traits: Its one thing to find love and its another to keep that. And these two traits are so distinct in itself. It's almost like the difference between a "miner" of love and a "collector" of love. Imagine the difference between the coal mines of PA and the collectors of Upper West Side. Good miners are good in finding hot babes. Well, let's just say they pick up women in a heartbeat. Good collectors know to keep them for a long long time - till death do us apart.

And there are some like me. Not a finder, not a collector. God help them. What do they do? Where do they go? Here's what they do - when the others are screwing they write a mini-thesis about solitude.

I recently watched Bergman's TV series called "Scenes from a Marriage." Simply put - his best work to me. Timeless, orginal, and portrays real aspects of life that makes me feel - every minute was worth it. There is a discourse where the man talks about loneliness and that we are all lonely. We are alone in this world. That's the truth. Rest is illusion. We don't want to be lonely but we try to comfort ourselves that we have a family, a work place, a community, etc. - all to just foolishly comfort ourselves in this make-belief world.

Ultimately, the sooner we learn to live by myself - the better off I'll be. The protagonist - the man - keeps explaining to his divorced wife. The wife calmly listens and says - she does not agree with him. She calls him having a defeatist attitude, which she will not buy into. It's like learning to cope up with sea sickness before taking a ship rather than taking a plane because it may crash.

I was so much like the man in the Scenes from a marriage. Trying to comfort myself - by rationalizing my loneliness. Truth be told - it is absolutely vacuuous. Activating my creative and logical juices in my brain has never comforted my heart. But interstingly enough, it makes so much sense - at time. So much so - I was walking talking thinking that is the truth. It fitted my situation so well. The woman in the TV series - thankfully - was able to relegate this "truth" into an opinion worth rejecting.

There may be some truth to loneliness being the ultimate truth of life. But that does not help me. I hate to be alone. Someone dear leaves me and I miss that person. What's my ticket out of loneliness? Travelling, photography, writing? Elusive it may be, call it kiddish, but I need to explore, expand, and feel free. Goodbye my rationality crutch for now - until I need you again.