Break Rules - An alternate view

Last Thursday's Wall Street Journal reported a story on how Koreans are facing new challenegs - including marital problems because the country has gone from a six-day work week to a five-day work week. Yes, I said it right. Six to five. This has resulted in men spending more time at home. In other words, women are finding it difficult to cope up with their intrusion into their private space - home. This is really interesting. On one side, we here in this country are trying to find ways to convert management buzzwords like "work-life balance" into reality, on the other side of the globe, it is a complete different scenario. In some sense, it sets me to think is modern life - men at home, women at work, Suze Orman your personal finanance guru, and Dr. Phil your relationship coach - really messes up the natural balance. And then we have to go to Harvard to learn about "work-life balance" or hire a consultant to learn not to carry my blackberry and laptop during my vacation. Or, an easier solution, maybe a better one too - go back to what your grandparents did - Daddy at work and Mom does the house. Lower family tensions, fewer broken marriages, less money spent on counsellors and stress relievers, no day cares, no "Mommy-did-not-hug-me" self esteem issues. Live will be good.

How about breaking the rules. Do not allow the woman to work. I think rules have an importance in life. Rules provide clarity and clarity provides a clear direction. While a quesioning attidue has become a moral virtue nowdays, questioning each and every rule is inviting confusion and subjectivity into our lives. ow about asking - Why is going backwards considered bad? Why is there so much political correctness attached to it that I cannot ask this question? Why not break them? Politically correct statement - "men-women equality" sounds good, but unfortunately does not work. Not in Korea, not anywhere. For example, the traditional role of a man is to provide for his family. While you may question that, show me how many women, however well-placed even today are willing to reverse that, and are willing to marry a non-working man. By the same token, while you may question beauty is skin-deep, show me how many men will marry an ugly and perennially sick woman.

Men marry health and beauty, women marry security and good prospects. Women respond to male good looks, but it’s not the most important item as much it is for men. Women after all are genetically tuned to seek men who have the capability and willingness to raise children. Good health and resistance to infection, while good to have in a husband, are not a woman's number one priority. Men, on the other hand, look for fitness in women to bear children. Qualities like attachment, loyalty, and kindness are more important to women. Men worry less about these qualities. However, people say, there is one important exception — one circumstance under which women are attracted to physical and men-beauty oriented in their choosing their men. That’s when they’re cheating. "Marry the lord and screw the gardener" That's a common strategy many women employ and are quite successful.

I would argue that if a woman is more secured financially, and less dependent on the male partner the tendency to cheating goes up (proven fact instinctively all humans love variety). Then, we see more of these women becoming enamored by male-beauty. And women, especially educated ones, throw modernity and counter-culture sound-bytes to cloud, clutter, and question exisiting norms and justify and are fairly successful in reversing certain natural human processes. Hidden beneath their veneer , nothing but raw beasty urges to explore their innate human desires that were pent up and not allowed to venture openly into in our societies for many years. As if they are on a vendetta for all their grandmas have missed out on. And then qualities like attachment, loyalty, and kindness begin to be important for men.

I say what's the point. No need in messing up the real natural balance. Why can't we make things simple. There are two options. Either follow the moral rules, or completely drop them. Be married and raise children. If you enjoy screwing the gardener, just don't get caught by your husband. Or, if you want to be financially independent, forget marriage, santification, and holy cow. You live in a dog eat dog world. Like other animal species, let's compete for our mates. And we are ready to drop one when we are in sight of a better bargain - so be it. Stop listening to Dr. Phil's mystical balonies on connection and relationship hooplas. There is a lot more clarity, not necessarily ease, in living that way. After all who said life was ever easy - ask even your grandma.

A special note to women of my breed - who feel that their husbands should do the dishes, make the meals, and water the plants. Who feel that because they have done the hard work of working, they need to be rewarded by their husbands as opposed to being responsible. When will they realize that asking for a reward is not same as asking for a responsible husband. Stop thinking by saying a stupid thing over and over in your head thinking it will become the truth. Vomit out that overdoze of Oprah juice that you drank with a diet of Linda Goodmans when you were a confused teenager - "I am what I say myself, I believe and so I am...because I am a Gemini." You become one of those doctors who with little knowledge try to experiment with everything, not sure of anything. You end up cutting up the patient, and then realize that you dont know how to stitch the guts. That's how you end up running your lives. Decide not what your peanut brain tells you what is good for you. Decide what is good for you and more importantly those around you. Maybe, you need to take a lesson or two from your Korean sisters. But for that, you need to realize that you have a peanut brain. I dont know how to show you that.

Disclaimer: Views expressed in this post does not necessarily reflect what I believe in

Why I struggle to take a decision?

How many times I have walked into a Baskin Robbins and stood there - wondering which flavor to get. I can afford to buy a scoop of all the five flavors I am considering and then create a five-decker monster. Yes, I can! But will I ever do that in my rigth mind. That's a sure ticket to the ER and I won't bother to look at a BR for a year. No, I am not that stupid. So I keep agonizing and finally take a decision. Soon after the first scoop, I start wonde ring, if chocolate mint chip was what I really should have ordered. Oh! this saga keeps happening over and over again.

Raised in India, with limited means, I never had so many Baskin-Robbins-type problems as here in US. And finally, I have realized that my personality is not wholly "integrated". I suffer from ambivalence, ambiguity - call it what you may.

I tell you - I am really interested in the way out.

So what does it take to take a decision and stick to it? Steadfastness, being headstrong, pig-headed, what? Talk to any leader - he will say this is a virtue. I agree, life is not only horrible, but miserable if you switch on and off between chocolate and vanilla. Whatever, this may be characterized as - I have found some interesting insights by delving into the process called decision making. And here I will share some of them.

Recalling Mr. Carl Jung, for once I have looked inwards - in my search for self-awareness, as oppossed to looking outwards (dont want to be a dreamer!). I found that I take decisions from four different places:

1. Commitment - Things that I am committed too - my interests, hobbies, etc. These decisions are powerful decisions and when I take then I dont have a shade of doubt in my mind. I am crystal clear. As a result, they are strong decisions and cannot be dislodged.

2. Fear - Decisions that have been reactions to certain fear - mostly conditional fears that over the years seem innate and automatic. In my case, fear of failure, fear of loneliness, fear that I will not be able to accomplish my dreams, fear that this is last day last show - and if I dont take the boat, I will be a loser. When faced with these fears, I end up taking decisions that are mere reactions and quite naturally, they come back and bite me so badly. (I am being selfish in covering my self here - of course, I hurt others - may be more). These are the weakest and most troublesome decisions. My quest now is to distinguish if a certain decision I am taking is driven by my fear of something or coming from someplace else.

3. Inspiriation - Some decisions are purely inspirational, like my decision to write this blog now, all of a sudden I feel like cooking gourmet meal, or doing some exercise. They are mometary and do not last a whole long. But they are positive.

4. Worked into it - These are decisions I take that I sort of work my self into believeing - "hey, this is the best I could do." Admittedly, this is how most of the decisions I have taken in life, especially, growing up with limited opportunities. Beware, I am not citing this as an excuse, but just to illustrate my point. In fall 2001, when I took my job offer, I was not excited at all, nor did I entirely liked the profile, but still I told myself - "this is the best I could get." This became such a large part of my life that I forgot that there were other decisions in my life that I was taking and working myself into believeing. Gone was the whole notion of taking decisions based on commitment to give myself the best and be inspired by what I am ultimately gifting myself.

No wonder, I ended up marrying a B minus grade woman, thinking this is okay. Where the hell did I drift away? I know. It's harsh and bitter. And here it comes -

I was running my life with a fear - fear of loneliness, fear that I am losing out on life...etc. And settled for mediocrity and told myself - "this is good enough". I forgot that mediocrity was my biggest enemy ever since I formed myself as a human being. But for the last 15 years, it had had the better of me and I have been a Rip-van-winkle dreaming, slumbering, and deluging in esoteric philosophy, spitting my venom on everybody, and mindless frutiless endless conversations. Hardly looking inside to face my fears, embracing them, and overcoming them with courage.

Yes, courage, as it is said (and I have mentioned in my previous posts) "decision" is about killing all choices to settle for one. That required will-power, clarity, and certain amount of ruthlessness that comes only from a commitment to give yourself the very best! To remember - "Good enough" is the enemy of "better"