My own Charlie!

My stay here in SF has been extended by four more days which gave me an unexpected luxury of a lazy saturday. And when I saw the day was simply - a la sunny California - something that I rarely saw for the last two weeks, I chose to take a walk. With the intention of killing two birds with the same stone, I thought of eating lunch outside. Little did I realize that the walk would be so long as I hopped from one block to the next, hoping that the door of the next restaurant will be open. I was in no mood of spoiling this rare time-off and started wondering how to make the best out of this potentially great situation which has started to turn miserable. In short, this seems to be the story of my life. So obviously, the question to ponder was - who would represent me or to whom or whose ideas can I relate to the most.

As I have always looked at myself as a bundle of contradictions - even in the most trivial matters, the biggest of all - of course is in the area of trusting an outcome. In this matter, when it comes to trusting people - I seem to be overly trusting to the extent that my close friends call me naive, immature, and impuslive. On the other end, the fact that I fundamentally trust people provides me this inherant strength that trust will lead me to success.

I don't know which is true. In my relationships with people, while I have been really blessed with very understanding, caring, and loving peers; in the area of my most intimate relationship, time and again I have come across abondonement, despair, and melancholy. And everytime, I take a knee-jerk vow - I got to be more careful next time. Why hurt myself? But will this ever work for me? I don't think so. I don't believe I can change much in this area. I am cooked.

And I know, for sure that I am taking this ride again. Future only knows whether I will get hurt. But to not take this ride would be a greater pain.

For the last ten years, I have resorted to Satre to explain the intricacies of several questions. And I watched almost all Woody Allen movies. The fact that it is very difficult to be a human being and the only way to fight against it is to live an active life looms over me. It has helped me to appreciate the power that resides in a human being to create his own life. Out of nothing. That finally we all die and life itself means nothing. Simply put - shit will always happen, but it is in my choice what interpretation I give. And whatever happens to me, I get to choose who I am being. Also, that I am the cause in the matter. In other words, responsible for my own outcome. So, if a relationship did not turn out the way I thought it would - I have got something to do with it. Who I am today is a function of my past actions and no one but I am responsible for this outcome. For example, I did not study liberal arts but engineering not because my parents did not give me a choice but because I did not have the guts to speak up for myself. For every action, or inaction; for every communication, or lack of; there are consequences to face. And when I chose to act, I inherently choose the consequence that comes with it. That has explained a lot of stuff for me. It has given me the chance of forgiving my ownself and opened the vista for a fresh new start.

While I can relate to Satre to a large extent, and he can explain my despair, agony, and distress very well, he cannot explain my optimism. That life is to live with the hope of rejoicing. So who can fill up this gap. None other than my dear Charlie Brown.

Charlie Brown lives in possibility. That beoynd abondonement and despair there is hope. It's not the trusted-friend-turned-backbiter-failure that kills me but it is that I can take ownership of that. Charlie Brown also explains why I can so easily give up "once bitten twice shy" approach to love, life, and everything in between. For fifty years, he has made a fool of himself in the baseball game. Why does he still go to pitch yet again? Why keep getting bashed by Lucy time and again? Because what happened in past does not necessarily will happen in the future. And this is the crux of life.

Charlie Brown gives me a liberating expereince. He inspires me to live by my own inner voice and rise up every time I fall. He makes life beautiful for me when others cannot.

Thank you for being my own Charlie.